An Ordeal Journey in which the destination did not matter much……..

Without much of hopes or expectations, I stepped out of an useless engineering college that gave me nothing except the 5 letter suffix to my name(B.Tech), I had no engineering ambitions and I had never wanted to be an engineer. My heart was else where….. However, I did succumb to the external pressure and indulged in a full fledged job hunt. I have no regrets while calling it the most frustrating episode of my life. Agarwal and George summers were firmly refusing to become friends with me. Peers in the name of friends kept visiting my home with boxes of sweets and a copy of their offer letters. I found it equally funny and irritating. Some people just suck with their attitude. I, on the other hand was trying to do everything to make it work…. But, all in vain…..why should I even care about what probability does Tina have in getting a white ball from a bag containing 4 colors of balls...for some reason I found the whole process stupid and un interesting, But kept telling myself that I have to go through the same shit if I had to earn the so called “respect” as an engineering graduate...I was almost giving up, when a company was kind enough to inform me that I had cleared their written test... I said to myself….. “first hurdle crossed”, I never realized that the worse was yet to come - the call for a technical interview... with the confidence of clearing the first hurdle happily sitting on my shoulders, I tried to cram as much as C, java, oops, networking ,tcp/ip, mobile communication..…and what not, in just one day. The interview was to happen in Anna university...my beloved father dropped me at the entrance of the university on the interview day... All that he said was “Do well”, I smiled, said “ok” and left...while I was just about to enter the hall..I heard a voice crying behind me "Kalai”, I turned to look at my father panting miserably and said "thirumba veetukku vara panam irukka illaya…adhan kudukka vandhen….” the words caught between his breaths and thrust a 100 rupees note into my hands. That moment… I felt so weak....my heart went out to that man who had sacrificed loads of things in his life for his daughter, a man who adores his daughter...and I said to myself "No matter what…..I’ll make it for him”...honestly I did not remember a word …..my mind was blank…...all that I thought was “I’ll make it for my father” ..It was my turn to give back something to him to make him feel proud and happy….... I was called in ...There was just one man sitting inside who acknowledged my entry with a broad grin, whose half bald head and bulging spectacles spoke volumes about his technical expertise...I was equally apprehensive and confident...I smiled back...an honest one at that...I tried to be as frank and straight as possible….It was an ordeal… I tried to stay calm , I firmly said "I don’t know" to questions for which I did not know the answers.. Fortunately/unfortunately I had to use that phrase a number of times.... At the end of it all….there was this final question... "how confident are you about clearing the interview?”...that was quiet a question to answer...for the first time,I did not know what to say. I stuck to my honesty and said... "30 /100" and quietly walked out of the hall. I was asked to wait in a room ,which I did, with no hopes. I was pointlessly staring at the ceiling and the ground and when I almost decided to leave….an old man walked in and said “ unga paer thaan kalai arasi a?” I said “Yes” …. “ungala keezha interviewkkaga koopidraanga” ….. I quietly thought about my dad . ;-) (The smiley at this juncture is unavoidable)and started climbing down the stairs. The HR interview was nothing more than an array of not so important questions....answering them required some common sense...which I had always believed was an integral part of me ;-)....All through the 30 minutes of the interview...my eyes were time and again trying to read the contets of the sheets my interviewer was flipping through, I assumed that those sheets were my performance reports, score cards.., bla bla.. I was super curious to know the feed back that my technical interviewer would have given…My curiosity got the better off me and I went ahead to ask “how was my performance in the technical interview”…. The HR smiled, laughed aloud and showed me the sheet in question. I was hardly able to follow anything , Thanks to his legible handwriting….However…with some effor, I was able to follow the last line …“Confident, good communication skills …trainable”…. I thanked the HR guy and left the hall… very quietly, from the bottom of my heart I expressed my gratitude to Mr.Technical man. After having kuppai kottified for about 3.5 yrs in this organization, I still have no clue about the name or the division he belongs/belonged to, or anything about him….But for some reason…I keep thinking about him time and again…..
Not that I wouldn’t have managed to clear other interviews…… but this remains special simply because I did not pretend to know everything….I did not cover up things that I really did not know.. It was plain honesty…

I rushed to a nearby telephone booth, dialed my home number and jus said…”Appa, the interview went on well…I’ll have an offer letter too”….I am really not sure if he was proud of me…But…I felt proud of my father…… and now, after years of joining this company….I am really not sure if it was all worth it.

Where is my MAN ?

I keep talking to a dozen men everyday . Politics, science, religion, love, sex, philosophy, sports and what not! everything finds a place in my conversation with most of them...and when a few of the the relation ships are poised at a point , where one of us want a bit more extra from it...but a million dollar question is .. why is it that ... Always only one side wants more than the other??....well..I am not getting into the discussion as to why I sometimes refuse to take the relation ship further. Not that I cant answer but just that this stuff was not meant to talk about that. Simple question is ...why is it that you measure up to a level of a friend and nothing more in the other person's thoughts, when you really believe that the relation ship is worth going further.....

Is it really really hard to find a perfect person ??? ...the word "perfect" has 101 connotations and when I start describing mine...all that I receive is "huh...that's too much of an expectation...that's impossible....learn to compromise on a few" and some more on those lines which I believe are not worth a mention here for obvious reasons. Well...I really beg to differ...Being perfect is just a perception...who might be an awesome bloke charactererized with super good qualities in my eyes might be an useless ,unworthy material in some one else's. As long as he rules in my heart and emotions...I am just too happy,content and satisfied...That being the case..why do people make a big hue and cry?..unfortunately the word "people" includes my parents too...some people just dont get it right... ;(

What I really don't understand is that "Is love such a rare commodity?" or love clubbed with a lot of other commodities(read qualities) is rare?? But I am not eccentric.... because most of which I want/expect is on similar lines with majority of girls/women.....All that I want is selfless love which is passionate and unconditional..... and more importantly sensible(I think this is where the problem lies) ... After all sensibility comes when there is a strong foundation built with mutual respect for each others thoughts..... (Is it a sin to expect one to respect my thoughts?)

If its that hard...and If that requires me to wait for more time..Let me go on..

I am in no hurry to tie the unsatisfied knot at 25 . Rather will wait until 45 to make the knot more meaningful than being materialistic...


At the end of the day...I want to tell myself..."The WAIT WAS WORTH IT"

Are we really Independent?

When the corporates go "gaga" over this independance day stuff, when schools and colleges gear up for the flag hoisting cermony, when government organisations overdo the happenings with political and commericial flavours..

I keep wondering how real and true is all this....

What are we celebrating...."the independence" or just a day??

If its the former,then loads of things come flooding into my mind...
do we really live in an independant world ?...well..I am defntly not talking about bomb blasts..relgious calamities...government policies..socio-economic values ...etc.., Its just independence at the personal,emotional and spiritual levels.....

How Independently can I decide what I want to do..and how I want to live... .Well again..there is nothing like "going against the tide stuffs"...very simple..what liberty do "I" as an individual have to decide what to do and what not to.....

All of us are so dependant on each other in every other aspect of life....
Things are so interwoven that its too hard or unconventional to untangle them and survive as a single entity...


Would rather appreciate if Independance is seen as a way of life than a commodity....

..All said,

if its the latter...then..what the heck..I dont care.. ;)

To "THE SHADOW"

In a life so uncertain, with loads of surprises awaiting you every day, every minute ,every second, you see a streak of light coming from no where to show you the nicest things that life has to offer, to make you feel the value of your presence in the tenure, to let you understand the essence of just living, to shower all happiness on you, to tell you that you will be the best today, tomorrow and forever......what more could you ask for.. if that light comes to you in the form of your sibling....?????

To an extraordinary, intelligent girl who is so selfless, so understanding, so loving and yet so brilliant...
The love of my life

KNOTS in tying the knot....

your parents think you are "stupid"
your friends think you are "insane"
your relatives think you are "dumb"

If you say "I want to remain unmarried "

more so if you are girl
...
What possibly could be the problems if a girl remains unmarried...well ..parents with their so called rich experience in life say..."you wont need anyone now..but at one point in time, you might feel lonely..so you need a person"..agreed! and I ask, "then why dont I marry when I actually start feeling lonley...mmm?" (they think of an answer).."right we agree...but you might not get anyone at that point in time coz you ll get old" ..mmmmmmmm(I am thinking now) "oh...nice...do we get good companions only when we are young..?...so you become less saleable in the marriage market..if you lose your so called age" ( I understand what exactly the word "age" means... ;)) and phat comes the answer...."you might not be able to have children"...huh...what the f**k? ..Is it all about getting married , sleeping with a man/woman...(come on..its so important coz u need to have children).....and then become a mother/father...that way your life would be complete(complete ..how and for whom?)
After all this..you start searching for the so called companion ship....(jobless phase in the life cycle of marriage)....so start hunting for life....


So is this what expected out of a typical marriage in our society?.....I am not very sure...but cant think of a worser system.

To that "HE" it goes all the way from my heart!!

"HE" showed his intelligence, without discussing my stupidity
"HE" showed his dominance, without hurting my ego
"HE" showed his selflessness without proving my selfishness
"HE" showed his patience without questioning my anger

"HE" fought with me but did not hurt me
"HE" cared for me but did not pamper me
"HE" questioned me but did not command me

"HE" ..................
made me feel beautiful , made me feel ugly
made me feel stupid, made me feel wise
made me feel simple ,made me feel complicated
made me feel ecstatic ,made me feel dumb
made me feel my feminity, made me forget it :)
made me "love" made me "hate"
........................
There always existed an "Unspoken Understanding" between us that was as beaufiful as the sunshine after days of rain......